Oooo I do love this question (and I’m with Yael, I could go on for hours about it ❤). First: if there is a Right Answer, it’s whatever works for you to call it. But we are also social animals trying to live together harmoniously and so we need at least roughly agreed-upon definitions in order to communicate with each other. The problem is even harder once we’ve woken up to the fact that sexual energy permeates so much of what we do. Photography, writing, and even simple conversation with someone you find attractive to me all can drip with sexual energy, and I love those activities even more for those reasons. Ena writes beautifully about the link of libido to creativity: https://medium.com/essensually-ena/create-with-your-libido-fuck-with-your-creativity-7f9b6ce351f1 (after reading that I just want to bite her — my version of swooning I guess? — but more importantly to her point, I embrace my libido’s power to energize and inspire!). So back to the practical question. I had a similar experience recently: a recent date after a live music show and dancing ended up making out in the back seat of my car (with much laughter about reliving some long-gone teenage years). We were fundamentally not right for each other for a relationship. She thought polyamory was just a label cheaters give themselves as a license to sleep around (ouch, and no). But we were attracted and had fun that night, and celebrated with some kissing (which she did wonderfully), nipple play, and touching each other, which all felt kind of nice. It may have ended in casual sex were we not crammed in a too small back seat a little too late at night, or perhaps not — we were taking each moment as it arrived and deciding then what would happen next. We parted ways with uncertainty about whether we would see each other again, and that was okay. Our texts back and forth have faded away since then. But I know I’ll give her a big hug and a kiss on the cheek when and if I see her out dancing again (as she does so beautifully). As with your dates, I’d call it sexual (but not sex) or more likely just say we “fooled around” or “played with each other” a bit. Perhaps culturally we attach too much emphasis to specifics acts and orgasms. Personally I found my sex life (penetrative sex or not, orgasm(s) or not) has gotten much more satisfying since I let a lot of that concern go, though you have to have partners willing to joyfully go along with you into those spaces that defy definition, carrying no expectations beyond what works for the moment.
